I look in the mirror each day therefore I don’t need you to remind me I’m fat every time you see me. Sometimes I say it as a joke and other times it’s a seething anger in me that boils over and I am flushed and glaring….which in turn does turn me quite piggish as I have the tendency to look all red and rosy when I am angry….all that’s missing is that apple in my mouth. But jokes and self-deprecating humour aside, I often wonder if people stop and think before they open their mouths to speak. I have a favourite radio station that I have been listening to for the last 35 odd years and have had favourite Dj’s come and go but recently I have new favourite on our morning breakfast show. He’s a popular guy on tv and radio ….somewhat of a media personality, great sense of humour but (and herein is the rub) he has a serious dislike for fat people and he makes fair reference to it
I was a skinny kid…and a skinny teen. In fact I was so thin that I had a teacher who thought I was anorexic at one point (I wasn’t for the record). I looked like something the wind could blow over and it did on a few occasions. So I went through school being this skinny girl and it continued when I finished high school and when I got married and when I had my daughter. Throughout my pregnancy I gained 5.5kg’s. Two days after my daughter was born, I fit into my tiny shorts…no stretch marks, no loose skin; you would have never guessed I had just had a baby (I know I would hate me now too). I was reaching my mid-twenties…I was travelling the world, had a fantastic job and was getting divorced. I picked up the pieces and moved on. The global travel continued and I was living the life. I became free, started enjoying life, stopped being so serious….I started living.
One morning my neck was stiff and sore and I couldn’t move it much and by the evening I decided to go to the emergency room and get something for pain relief. The emergency doctor asked me if I had any issues with my thyroid as it looked quite enlarged. She suggested that since I had medical insurance, that I had nothing to lose by checking it out. Off I went too radiology and that was the start to the change for the rest of my life. They found that I had a series of nodules on my left and right thyroid. She called a surgeon and I was booked into surgery the next morning. When I came out of theatre I looked like the Bride of Frankenstein…staples across my neck. I was told that there were too many nodules and that I had to have a total thyroidectomy. I was also diagnosed with a thyroid disease called Hashimotos thyroiditis. For about a year I was fine but I was gaining weight. I started seeing an endocrinologist and she prescribed Altroxin and the South Beach diet. I explained that every time I took the Altroxin, I would have palpitations. She just ignored my protests about the meds. I was gaining weight and feeling so uncomfortable in my skin and I didn’t know what to change. I was still the smallest eater (I still am), I drink about 2 litres of water a day (always have), I exercise (not my favourite thing) but nothing worked. I was on assignment in a different province and I started feeling heady and I couldn’t breathe, my heart was racing and my mouth was dry….I was convinced I was having a heart attack. Everything around me turned into a bright white light. I was rushed me to the emergency unit and the Dr saw me immediately. I grabbed the doctor’s hand and said “Please don’t let me die”. That was the start of my panic attacks and anxiety (when she told me this it felt like Karma had punched me in the gut….I remember vividly watching an episode of Oprah on panic attacks and anxiety and thinking “what a load of croc…it’s all in the mind…get over it”) So here it was in the flesh, in my flesh in my brain. The Dr told me that Altroxin can give you palpitations (halleluiah finally an answer that told me I was not imagining this). The wonderful thing about anxiety (not) is that once you have had one attack it’s almost impossible for the body to unlearn it.
So started my myriad of nightmares…the anxiety, the problems with the stomach (the moment I chewed I needed the loo yet I continued to balloon), the light headedness, the fainting, the claustrophobia....in short the nightmare that became my life. I was in the emergency room every day, on drip, on oxygen. The Dr's and nurses started to think I was a junkie….i was starting to think I was going to die. My thoughts were all over the place…the “why me type, why does God Hate me ? “ I tried every Dr and remedy that anyone mentioned. Finally I found an endocrinologist that actually listened. My first visit and he informed me that I was insulin resistant. He ran about 20 tests on me. I was anaemic, I was not absorbing iron or vitamin D, levels in my body were off the charts.My thyroid activity was non-existent. I was taking meds for almost 3 years that only made my condition worse. We started off with 18 diff meds a day and worked through all the variations and doses. We did all the tests, I have had in the last year alone 4 MRI’s, several scans, blood tests, seen every specialist that’s the best in their field and still no one can tell me what’s really wrong. Before I removed that little butterfly shaped organ….I was perfectly fine. My endocrinologist said to me the one day “Noleen…you are the most unique patient I know” and that was not good thing. I have had to have my gall bladder removed in the interim as well. My Dr ref me too another leading endocrinologist and her husband who is a gastric bypass surgeon. They both agreed that my frame was far too small for the weight I was carrying. I was an approved candidate for gastric bypass surgery. I was the last patient to go into theatre that night. I was administered 3 anaesthetics and I had an anaphylactic reaction of one of the anaesthetics (my glorious on-going luck)…the op never happened ‘cause my surgeon was too busy trying to bring me back to life. I woke in ICU throwing up and seeing my husband and daughter at the foot of my bed crying so hard. I felt the needles in my throat because they couldn’t get veins anywhere on my body. I shudder to think how much worse things could have gone that day.
So to every shop store assistant, to tell me “you won’t find anything that fits you here” (ps I’m looking for something for my teenage daughter), to every friend or family that’s says “OMG, ur gone so fat”, to total strangers like my radio DJ who think I am fat because I eat too much or because I have no self-control….I say to you live my life of hospitals where the staff know you on a first name basis, almost bankrupt you husband from excesses for the medical aid, be fearful of almost everything you took for granted before like getting on plane, be petrified of going to new places in case they don’t have proper medical facilities in case you get sick, wonder what people want from you when people tell you how pretty you are what gorgeous skin you have, wish you could do some much more with your husband and daughter, see the fear in their eyes every time you get too quite because they wonder if it’s going to be another trip to the hospital, hate yourself every time you look into a mirror….then and only then should you come and talk to me.
I am brilliant at what I do, I have been nominated for Most influential woman in IT in business and government, I get stopped by strangers to tell me they love the way I dress for my body’s, I have a husband who tells me how beautiful I am at every opportunity, I have friends (oh I have some of the most amazing( skinny I must add) friends, who can make me feel like a million dollars….I was even approached by someone that asked me start my own clothing range for big woman….but none of it means much when I have to look at myself in the mirror. So the next time you feel the need to tell me how fat I am….hold up “I look in the mirror every day and I don’t need you to remind me”
I was a skinny kid…and a skinny teen. In fact I was so thin that I had a teacher who thought I was anorexic at one point (I wasn’t for the record). I looked like something the wind could blow over and it did on a few occasions. So I went through school being this skinny girl and it continued when I finished high school and when I got married and when I had my daughter. Throughout my pregnancy I gained 5.5kg’s. Two days after my daughter was born, I fit into my tiny shorts…no stretch marks, no loose skin; you would have never guessed I had just had a baby (I know I would hate me now too). I was reaching my mid-twenties…I was travelling the world, had a fantastic job and was getting divorced. I picked up the pieces and moved on. The global travel continued and I was living the life. I became free, started enjoying life, stopped being so serious….I started living.
One morning my neck was stiff and sore and I couldn’t move it much and by the evening I decided to go to the emergency room and get something for pain relief. The emergency doctor asked me if I had any issues with my thyroid as it looked quite enlarged. She suggested that since I had medical insurance, that I had nothing to lose by checking it out. Off I went too radiology and that was the start to the change for the rest of my life. They found that I had a series of nodules on my left and right thyroid. She called a surgeon and I was booked into surgery the next morning. When I came out of theatre I looked like the Bride of Frankenstein…staples across my neck. I was told that there were too many nodules and that I had to have a total thyroidectomy. I was also diagnosed with a thyroid disease called Hashimotos thyroiditis. For about a year I was fine but I was gaining weight. I started seeing an endocrinologist and she prescribed Altroxin and the South Beach diet. I explained that every time I took the Altroxin, I would have palpitations. She just ignored my protests about the meds. I was gaining weight and feeling so uncomfortable in my skin and I didn’t know what to change. I was still the smallest eater (I still am), I drink about 2 litres of water a day (always have), I exercise (not my favourite thing) but nothing worked. I was on assignment in a different province and I started feeling heady and I couldn’t breathe, my heart was racing and my mouth was dry….I was convinced I was having a heart attack. Everything around me turned into a bright white light. I was rushed me to the emergency unit and the Dr saw me immediately. I grabbed the doctor’s hand and said “Please don’t let me die”. That was the start of my panic attacks and anxiety (when she told me this it felt like Karma had punched me in the gut….I remember vividly watching an episode of Oprah on panic attacks and anxiety and thinking “what a load of croc…it’s all in the mind…get over it”) So here it was in the flesh, in my flesh in my brain. The Dr told me that Altroxin can give you palpitations (halleluiah finally an answer that told me I was not imagining this). The wonderful thing about anxiety (not) is that once you have had one attack it’s almost impossible for the body to unlearn it.
So started my myriad of nightmares…the anxiety, the problems with the stomach (the moment I chewed I needed the loo yet I continued to balloon), the light headedness, the fainting, the claustrophobia....in short the nightmare that became my life. I was in the emergency room every day, on drip, on oxygen. The Dr's and nurses started to think I was a junkie….i was starting to think I was going to die. My thoughts were all over the place…the “why me type, why does God Hate me ? “ I tried every Dr and remedy that anyone mentioned. Finally I found an endocrinologist that actually listened. My first visit and he informed me that I was insulin resistant. He ran about 20 tests on me. I was anaemic, I was not absorbing iron or vitamin D, levels in my body were off the charts.My thyroid activity was non-existent. I was taking meds for almost 3 years that only made my condition worse. We started off with 18 diff meds a day and worked through all the variations and doses. We did all the tests, I have had in the last year alone 4 MRI’s, several scans, blood tests, seen every specialist that’s the best in their field and still no one can tell me what’s really wrong. Before I removed that little butterfly shaped organ….I was perfectly fine. My endocrinologist said to me the one day “Noleen…you are the most unique patient I know” and that was not good thing. I have had to have my gall bladder removed in the interim as well. My Dr ref me too another leading endocrinologist and her husband who is a gastric bypass surgeon. They both agreed that my frame was far too small for the weight I was carrying. I was an approved candidate for gastric bypass surgery. I was the last patient to go into theatre that night. I was administered 3 anaesthetics and I had an anaphylactic reaction of one of the anaesthetics (my glorious on-going luck)…the op never happened ‘cause my surgeon was too busy trying to bring me back to life. I woke in ICU throwing up and seeing my husband and daughter at the foot of my bed crying so hard. I felt the needles in my throat because they couldn’t get veins anywhere on my body. I shudder to think how much worse things could have gone that day.
So to every shop store assistant, to tell me “you won’t find anything that fits you here” (ps I’m looking for something for my teenage daughter), to every friend or family that’s says “OMG, ur gone so fat”, to total strangers like my radio DJ who think I am fat because I eat too much or because I have no self-control….I say to you live my life of hospitals where the staff know you on a first name basis, almost bankrupt you husband from excesses for the medical aid, be fearful of almost everything you took for granted before like getting on plane, be petrified of going to new places in case they don’t have proper medical facilities in case you get sick, wonder what people want from you when people tell you how pretty you are what gorgeous skin you have, wish you could do some much more with your husband and daughter, see the fear in their eyes every time you get too quite because they wonder if it’s going to be another trip to the hospital, hate yourself every time you look into a mirror….then and only then should you come and talk to me.
I am brilliant at what I do, I have been nominated for Most influential woman in IT in business and government, I get stopped by strangers to tell me they love the way I dress for my body’s, I have a husband who tells me how beautiful I am at every opportunity, I have friends (oh I have some of the most amazing( skinny I must add) friends, who can make me feel like a million dollars….I was even approached by someone that asked me start my own clothing range for big woman….but none of it means much when I have to look at myself in the mirror. So the next time you feel the need to tell me how fat I am….hold up “I look in the mirror every day and I don’t need you to remind me”